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So what is Sunset Dreams you are probably wondering. When I first got on the internet, it seems soooo long ago and created my first personal website reflecting my thoughts, dreams and love for this and that. It felt like my own little place I went for peace and solitude. At the time my daughters, Christi and Amy were teenagers and although they were really good kids for the most part, life could get intense so it was really nice to have some place to escape to and be me. So anyway, I created this little corner of the internet, out in cyber space that was mine and it needed a name. I gave this some deep thought and named it "Sunset Dreams". I hardly ever make it there any more but it is still there tucked back in the back forty of cyber space. I think maybe I need to try and spend some time there again. Kick the dust and cobwebs out and kick back and do some relaxing and reflecting again. I guess it all started when my horse, Cherokee died of colic and exactely a month later my other horse Freckles dies of cancer. If you know me at all you know how much my heart belonged to my horses. I was crushed, deeply depressed and outwardly may have appeared that I was moving along and put it all behind me. I had a family and responsibilities and didn't have time for this darkness that was brewing deep inside me. You see that is what I think depression is, like a dark hole that you fall into and you find it harder to make your way out if you don't deal with it. You think it will just go away but it's like a big pothole in the road, it just keeps getting bigger and bigger if you don't fix it. One night after we had a little saturday night party I found myself sitting at the computer with my head in my hands. We had a great night with a few friends and family, the music playing, the furniture pushed back and everyone dancing. What a great time and I should have recieved an emmy for my performance and efforts to be happy and act like all was well. I could not figure out how to get rid of the sadness and dark feeling that I kept pushing back. I kept thinking it would just go away in time. Isn't that what they say about grief? But as I stuffed it deeper and deeper inside myself I found that I was falling into this dark hole with all those feelings and finding it harder to climb out and put my "face on". That night I found myself sitting out in the middle of the pasture head in my hands. You see I often came out to this pasture making my way thru the darkness, often the grass wet from the dew falling. The bottom of my nightgown wet from walking thru the tall wet grass as I search for "Freckles", almost nightly I just had to check and make sure he was alright because he was totally blind now. As I peer thru the darkness I can barely see his silhoutte off in the distance surrounded by the mist of the morning fog that has fallen over the pasture. As I get closer his head does that little tip to the side as he listens......for me. He's still, not a muscle moves, with slender strands of grass still hanging from his muzzle as he waits to hear my quiet "Good morning" as I approach. He relaxes as I slide my hands up under his silky mane and bury my head, breathing in the scent that only a rare breed like me could treasure, warming my hands as I slide my arms around his huge neck for a big hug. He's safe, perfectly fine and grazing to his hearts content so I now make my way across the pasture back to the house and back to bed for a little more sleep. WRONG....Noooooo..... He's not safe, Freck is not fine. He's gone and I am here sitting in his pasture alone in the dead of night, the pain and grief have thrown a shadow over each and every good memory, pulling me deeper into that dark hole. I can't remember the feel of his silky mane or that scent I treasured as I buried my face in his neck. I made my way back to the house to my computer and began to write and created a place where I did not have to hide the sadness. The words were dark and filled with pain and amongst them were many tears. I clawed my way out of that darkness in search of some level of peace and how to accept what is. I spent alot of time at Sunset Dreams and spilled my heart out writing poems and stories about some of the horses I have loved. I never felt like I could talk to anyone about how I felt or that anyone would understand. Writing about my feelings really washed away the darkness and eventually all the great memories I had with Freckles returned again. I have always loved horses but I have never been able to let myself really love a horse again like I did Freckles and Cherokee. So that is how "Sunset Dreams" came to be. I moved the site a few years ago and forgot to put back up a few of my stories. I am going to try and work on that and get those stories back up on the site soon. Sunset Dreams will continue .............. August 11, 2008
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